Thursday, March 25, 2010

A very long eating my heart out entry

Hari ini macam biasa, not everything went wrong, not everything went right. Macam biasa lah kan.

Berjimba2 sambil buat amal jariah. I more or less helped friends monitoring the lab session for students. Nobody forced or asked me to do so, I did because I wanted to and because I always enjoy scavenging green horns during their lab session because they usually come to the lab without any preparation or worse, like they never learned one single hell about what they are going to do in lab. I love sharing one thing or two about taxonomy or at least biodiversity with those who are willing to know and care enough to ask (the right question). Beside this blog, I dont have much space or many people to share my interest in taxonomy and biodiversity with.

A student was confused between fern and angiosperm. And studying morphology of plant is obviously giving constant kick on their ass. Most of them are clueless, it is fair if I say they hate the subject. When I was doing bachelor, I memorized as many as characteristics of leaf, leaf apex, flower I could. My lecturer put freshly collected specimens to be observed and identified for our mid term test, not picture, not drawing but fresh specimens. I was menggeletar before the test, as I was afraid I couldnt remember the endless list of species and its characters. But I passed, so did my peers. See? it is not that hard, they just need to put some effort (some, sometimes means A LOT) and heart to study the basic morphology.

To be fair, in my case, I liked what I studied.

Those student are in their second year. They look very confused, aimless and worse terpaksa for the sake of B.Sc. They still do not know what they suppose to know. The system is not helping either, I personally think the current syllabus of the program is chocking students alive. But on lighter tone, for second year bachelor, it is never to late to learn, never to late to like.

And of course it is never to late to take a different way and start from zero square all over again. I am not kidding, please dont shove the thing you dont even want into your throat. Isnt it enough others shove those stuffs into you?

I do pitty them sometimes.

Bila makin tua, makin suka mengenang masa2 lalu. Ni aku nak kenang masa lalu lah ni. Masa ukm dulu, cikgu inggeris semester pertama tahun pertama aku seorang yang suka bercerita masa kelas. Dia akan bercerita2 dalam masa 2-3 hours, and of course at the same time we were discussing about our lesson of the day. Actually she told us more about general subject than about English for Science and Technology.

From the way she talks I know, she reads a lot. She told us, she learned Hebrew when she was in college, she is an English major . And I remember she mentioned her favourite subject when she was in school was geography. Her topics were ranging from vocab enrichment to HIV to current issue in Palestine, what happened in Chechenya, politics, Soekarno, Soeharto, location of Andaman sea, how beautiful Turkish girl is, little sneak peak of her personal life, and the bad attitude of teller at nearby bank .

And since I was a closeted geography fan, she was my match. (Yes, between 13-15 my favourite subjects were history and geography, like most of you who choose science, my formal geography lesson stopped at age of 15).

Bila dia bercerita, aku mesti beri perhatian. Jarang sekali aku mengantuk dalam kelas. I guess, since she knew all of us would at least pass the paper, so dia lebih kepada bincang2 santai, dan relate2 dengan hal ehwal mak nenek yang berlaku di muka bumi.

And I knew the guys in the class didnt really enjoy these cerita lipurlaras. Guys always have trouble to listen right? They have very good pair of ears, but to listen to talking female is a gauntlet to them. right guys?

And the blissful of ignorance had no room in her class. ignorant would feel stupid instead.

Dia asyik nasihat kami, be aware of our environment. Think, read, think, and read more. She was constantly telling us to read more.

Lepas habis semester, hujung2 dah nak final, we salam her. Because she gave us more than just regular English for Science and Technology class.

Dia nasihat, jadi lah penyibuk, bukan penyibuk pasal siapa kawin siapa di hollywood, kisah seluar dalam artis. Tapi jadi penyibuk yang curious, yang ingin tahu what is what, nak menambah ilmu pengetahuan, dan seterusnya mengelak menjadi stupid ignorant.

I abhor ignorant and ignorance. Only ignorant would say ignorance is a bliss.

I thank my first year english teacher in ukm for told me to read more.

Masa buat final semester my mentor told me a valuable advice, an advice that reminds you to value yourself.

and what went wrong today reminds me about the advice. Lebih kurang dia cakap...

"final year project ni ada 2 benda saja orang kira, hang punya tesis dan masa hang viva (performance during viva voce), hang buat lab siang malam, ikat kaki, ikat tangan kat meja pun, itu orang tak nak tanya, tak nak tahu yang penting tesis dan masa viva"

so inti pati yang aku faham dari kata2 guru aku ni, ialah be smart when you are working. kalau aku ambil secara literally, the most important thing in doing research is not the journey, how you make it, it is how you present it. Ialah macamana kau tulis tesis itu lah yang akan diadili, people wont give you credit for your jerit perih, sengkang mata, hati berdebar2, tidur terganggu. People want to see the end product and how you present and justify it.

Untuk pengalaman, ya, journey the making of tu yang paling banyak mengajar. And it is cannot be bought. But to survive the whole battle, you need to value yourself. sebab heartache mungkin bukannya datang pada masa sekarang, tapi pada kemudian masa.

In this business, nobody will give you credit for the best effort. Effort doesnt really count in grading, if it does, well it is not the major part.

And this is why I am delaying to do whatever left in my lab.********Deleted Item************

I dont know for what purpose that comment was given. But it was totally lack of credible, or may be laced with envy. Yes I did take such comment negatively, because sound so.

Hell no, the fate of my master have submitted to the hand of committee in form of inches thick properly binded sheets. I have harvested the data from my specimens. What left in the lab, I consider as technical part. A professor said to me, administration huh? it is boring?. Yes, whatever left in the lab is administration business, those who run the collection should process the specimen, I am just the collector not the curator.

collector collects, curator curates.

by right I have no formal obligation to those collections anymore. It is put under the care of the museum. I have harvested my data. I think I give enough to them. Tiada istilah pro bono terpaksa, itu namanya unpaid labour. I paid quite handsome amount of money to use all facilities, of which I dont have full access to because of damn bureaucracy and tonnes of egos. I am still a registered student, but they even take back my mail box pre maturely. No I dont really need the stupid pigeon hole, but I am entitled to that facility.

pigeon hole 37 is mine. Yes, I need to mark my territory. I am tired being bullied.

To those who are still in dark, I am telling you, I am more than you think I am, I can blow underbelt punch if I want to and get away with it.

I try to make peace with everything I have right now. With the consequences and all.

The truth is, whenever I sit in front of the computer and typing the lamest inventory and do those admin jobs, I feel hell miserable, I just cant wait to go out, I find excuses, I create excuses for not doing the thing.

First of all, I am unpaid for the admin job. And actually there are people for that job. Just they also find very good excuses to not doing the job. Everyone is avoiding the job. And it fall right on my lap. And why cant I get away from it? because they created another excuses, so I am obliged to do the most avoided job for damn fucking free.

Fuck you, the system is for human, not human are for the system. I know there are rules. But in this case, we are not talking about rules. You know it, I know it.

And if you force me with your vague rules. I promise I will ruin your life and your children's too.

I asked for funding once, and they dont bother to stamp my application, let alone to approve it. Because of fucking rules. I never ask for funding ever again. I have lost track how many times I talked about this thing. But nobody have problem to bend the rules so they can sanction they act of using and abusing facilities for personal purpose.

I have it enough. With those rules, bullshits, bullies, and all craps that worth almost RM4000 per semester, RM8000 per annum.

I am asking for my freedom. If you have the money to hire people to do the admin job, pay someone to do it. I will if I have extra money.

I am on a right track to live a real life. I am separating myself from post grad life. Gradually. But every time I want to out they pull me back in (quote from the Godfather). Thats why I joined Silat, so I can mingle with other people, step out of the circle of post grad life. Gradually. It is not like I am abandoning everything, just I want to move on with my real life.

To whom who may concern, dont hold me back just because you are still stuck in it or worse sucked into its deepest dark core.

Just let me free.

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