MEH LAH KLIK...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Burung terbang jangan dipipiskan lada. Lastik.

Tiada mood sangat. Makan pun tak lalu. Tapi aku makan juga. Cuma sekadar makan. Kenyang pun kenyang, just I dont enjoy it. I am worry. Aku risau bila selera makan aku hilang. Kawan aku pun pelik kenapa aku tiada selera makan. seriusly. Aku pun pelik dan takut.

Inilah yang aku namakan the void, kekosongan, hollowness, empty atau depresi(?). Aku rasa. Aku taip 2-3 ayat untuk kerja aku, aku online 10 minit. Taip lagi 1-2 ayat, aku online. so sudahnya dalam 6 jam nak dapat 4 perenggan pun tercungap-cungap. Selain tiada selera makan, sendi ku sakit dan sengal, mungkin berkolerasi dengan cuaca hujan dan bekerja dalam air cond. Nasib baik ada yoko-yoko. Tadi kepala pun rasa berat, aku tidur kejap lepas maghrib, lepas tu ok. Tak kan nak sapu yoko-yoko di kepala. Nak mampos?

Kerja bukan lah sesusah mana. Cuma liat nak disiapkan atau aku liat nak menyiapkan. makin aku buat makin aku rasa macam loser. kalau tak buat, double loser. either way, still loser. Orang ramai hanya nak tahu kau habis belajar, grad, pakai jubah konvo, ambil gambar dalam studio. How about the story behind? hanya yang tahu saja yang tahu.

Nasib baik lah 5 minutes drive away ada sekelompok manusia yang sanggup menghadap muka aku and my story (read: crap). Sekurang-kurangnya my social life is still beeping. walaupun sudah menggunakan talian hayat. Aku cuma swing to menjadi lembab dan void, atau marah dan maki hamun. Ironiknya, marah dan maki hamun tu ada passion, walaupun api, maka aku rasa less hollow.

I need to find the right filling, thats all.

Broadband celcom, aku terima seadanya. Aku dah penat memaki printer yang hang, komputer yang lembab, asshole yang memandu di jalan raya seperti seekor asshole, jurujual yang kurang ajar dan celaka busuk. It is bad for my cardiac. sometime aku rasa jantung aku berdegup irregularly for no reason. Aku takut. Therefore, I spare you Celcom Bastardband. eh termaki juga. Redha? entah lah. Lebih kepada I had it enough.

Do you know how many people in my department quit or (forever) on hiatus during their final writing?(of course you dont darling). PLENTY. If we conduct statistical analysis on it, the outcome will surprise you. And those who cannot recover from their problems (or whatever halted them from finish their writing) will be let rotten, crush and burn in their unfulfilled dream. Yes, no matter how much money, time, tears or blood had been spent and spilled, they will gradually vanish and may be, if lucky, people will mention their names once in a while as bahan to kutuk, for example to the younger batch, with tag under their faces "Uncompelete Writing" . I wonder if the department aware about this. But even if they do, nothing much can be done about it. you cannot paksa kan... kononnya.

The journey, is backbreaking, and not just your back but also your heart, your moral, your self esteem, your wallet, your age, your time, your social life, your love life, your everything. There is no draw in this, either you win or you lose. You dont want to lose fighting, you want to win, you have to fight to win. This is the losing battle you cant afford to lose. Yes, when you are in the losing battle, dont ask people to wish you luck. Luck is not enough, you need miracles, a lot. Pray.

Finally, once again nature takes her course. Only the fittest will survive. and I will. I must.

P/s: apasal tiba2 hujung tulis english ni...

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